The Tale of the Whomping Whumper
by Kodiak Bear Country
Summary: Our team is cajoled by the locals to go on a monster hunt! [Complete]


AN: A short humor fic based upon a plot bunny suggested by Bastet. I hope I do it justice!

* * *

**The Tale of the Whomping Whumper**

* * *

In a far away land, in a galaxy far, far away, lived a lonely monster. This monster was a large fellow, big in stature, and broad in girth. He wasn't an evil monster, but he was misunderstood. All the village folk ridiculed this monster, and called him horrible, tragic names, and chased him away from their homes and families.

He learned to live a solitary life, in a cave, far away. He made friends with the hills, and valleys, and rivers. He played games with the birds, and tried to pretend that he didn't notice that they were never quite right afterwards. The days progressed much as the one before, and the one before that, and so on. His life was undisturbed, until one day.

Traveler's came through the big stone gate. Travelers who he thought might want to be his friends. There were four of them. One was a girl, but that was okay, because he liked girls. The other three were boys, but that was okay too, boys liked to play rough. He'd watched the village boys run about, and wrestle, and toss one another around. He wanted to do that. Maybe these boys would play toss about with him.

He watched them go into the village, and for a moment he was afraid. What if the village people told lies about how awful and mean he was? What if they went home before he had a chance to play? That made the monster quite sad. He waited, and before long, they left the village, but they did not head back to the stone gate, rather, they were headed towards his home!

The monster was excited, perhaps they did want to be his friends, and play games, and even stay a while. That would be very nice indeed. He took his tree, and swept his cave. He even waded into the river, and swept up a handful of squirming wet salmon to serve for dinner. He waited patiently, and soon, he heard the echoes of their voices coming progressively closer.

* * *

"What did they call this thing again, the Whomping whassit?" Sheppard asked, adjusting his sunglasses against the glare.

"The Whomping Whumper," McKay snorted. "Really, couldn't they come up with something better? It's probably a buffalo or something else innocuous."

Teyla frowned at McKay's flippancy. "You should not be so quick to dismiss their warnings."

"Whatever. Like I'm going to be scared of some mythical monster that keeps all the little villagers in their beds after dark," McKay snapped, a combination of humor and disdain for what he considered to be ignorance and superstition.

Ford had scouted ahead of the group, and called out, "Major, something's been through here recently."

Sheppard lifted his head from the trail he was studying. He had noticed indentations in the ground, made when it was softer from rain, like a fossilized imprint, hardened by the baking of the sun. What he saw disturbed him. The imprints were quite large, almost the size of the legendary Big Foot on Earth. "I see it," he called to Ford.

Further conversation was brought to a sudden and fantastic halt, as an enormous hairy beast crowned the top of the hill, mid-center of the trail they had been following. There was a moment of shock, when all four failed to act, and that stupor would cost them dearly.

The monster ran at them, full speed, and snatched Ford up in a bear hug, before turning on it's hairy feet, and running back down the other side of the hill, with the Lieutenant frantically beating against the monster's back.

"Major, we must go after him!" Teyla cried, waiting impatiently for the order she was sure would come.

"Are you nuts? That thing could eat us for breakfast," McKay said. "I'm all for rescuing Ford, but we need back-up. Something big, like the Jumper, with lots of guns, and a few of those marines wouldn't hurt either."

"McKay's right, we can't take that thing on by ourselves. Teyla, get back  "

"Major, look out!" Teyla shouted.

The monster was back, and it was alone. Where Ford had gone, they didn't know, but it was heading straight for Sheppard. The object of the monster's attention saw the mammoth creature bearing down on him, and turned back to his friends, knowing it was too late. "Go!" he shouted.

He didn't want to shoot it. They needed to know where it took Ford. If he let it take him, hopefully, it'd take him to Ford. Before he could think of another thought, he was grabbed up in a hold so tight he felt at least one rib cave under the pressure.

He winced from the pain, and hoped that the other two would get help. His thoughts were lost to him after that because he found it impossible to breath, such as the grip was on him, and the blackness encroached upon his consciousness, and he fell into a hazy world of oxygen deprivation.

* * *

"Major," Ford called. "Major, wake up!"

Sheppard groaned. Awareness filtered in by microseconds of information. It was cold, or maybe he was cold. It was dark, but he could see. His chest hurt. His head hurt. "Ford?"

"Yes, Sir. I see it got you too?"

"You could say that. Are you okay?"

Ford wanted to say yes, but he wasn't. The monster had tossed him to the ground, and when it had done so, he'd felt a crack inside his leg, before the pain had struck. His leg was broken, and there wasn't a thing to be done about it. "Not exactly."

"Ford?"

"Major?"

"Why did we let this happen?" Sheppard asked. It was a rhetorical question. He'd had felt the same as McKay. He'd thought the mythical monster was a village joke, like the boogeyman, meant to scare the kids.

A shadow passed over the Major's eyes, and he looked up, only to see the monster standing in the mouth of the cave, and it had , was that McKay in it's arms? "McKay?"

"Oh God, Major, is that you?" Rodney asked, his voice weak, and thick with pain.

"I told you to get help!" Sheppard reprimanded.

The monster paid no heed to their speech, dumping McKay beside the others, and loping off, for Teyla this time, there was no doubt. Rodney remained in the position he was dropped, pale and sweaty, "I think he broke something."

"Join the group," Ford joked, although it really wasn't a laughing matter.

"Did Teyla make it?" Sheppard was hoping she had, because if not, they were in trouble.

McKay nodded, then groaned from the pain the action caused. "I think I've got a concussion."

"You're lucky that's all you've got," Sheppard said, wheezing from the effort. "It doesn't seem to understand that we're breakable."

"Does it matter? It's a monster," McKay said.

The shadow fell over them again, and this time, the shadow was alone. The great hairy beast looked forlorn, until it spied its three friends on the floor, and then it's face brightened.

It lumbered over to their location, and sank down on its haunches, batting playfully at Ford, who cried from the agony the motion created. The monster sat back, staring uncertainly at the man. It didn't seem happy. It moved on to Sheppard, and a playful hit sent the Major spiraling into unconsciousness. The monster frowned. McKay shrank back, trying to scrunch himself against the cave wall. "Nice monster, we won't hurt you, if you don't hurt us."

"It's already hurt us."

"Shut up Ford, it's an expression."

The monster seemed to sense something was wrong, and it crawled away from the bodies on the ground, heading to the other side, and grabbing from a corner something small and wiggly. It brought it over, and held it towards McKay.

"Yuck, what is that? Is that a fish?" McKay whined, staring unhappily at the scaly animal flopping about in the monster's hands.

"I think it likes you," Ford observed. "You should be nice to it."

McKay rolled his eyes. "Oh, right, be nice to the little bitty monster, so it can _eat_ us!"

"I'm serious, McKay, take the fish," Ford said, his voice rising.

McKay was saved from touching the slimy offering, because just at that moment, Teyla called, "Major Sheppard, Lieutenant Ford, Doctor McKay, are you in there?"

"Teyla, I hope you brought some big people with you!" McKay shouted out of the corner of his mouth.

"Doctor Beckett is with me, and Sergeant Bates. He has a tranquilizer gun. We're going to try and get you out of there!" Teyla was staying back.

"Hurry up, the Major's been knocked out," Ford hollered.

It didn't take long for the members to lure the monster out of his cave, and after being hit with four darts loaded with sedative, it succumbed to a drugged sleep. The team from Atlantis swooped in, and secured the injured members, making fast progress back to the gate.

* * *

Hours later, the monster woke up, alone, and feeling very tired. It wandered into his home and found his friends were missing. He picked up the now still fish, and sat on the cold stone floor, taking a bite, and wondering where they had gone.

He hadn't understood those travelers, but they didn't seem very playful to him. He had tried to be polite, but he really didn't like them at all. They had spent the whole visit laying on his floor, and making a lot of noise. He supposed that maybe having some friends wasn't worth the trouble.

He took another bite, and stared out at the stars beginning to shine in the night sky. The birds were better company anyway, and at least there were more fish for him. He took another bite.

* * *

Sheppard heard the voices. Loud and obnoxious, and complaining vigorously, that would be McKay. Softer, feminine, and laughing, had to be Teyla. Serious, with an edge of humor, probably Ford. And then there was the bossy, and demanding voice, telling him to wake up, and open his eyes. Beckett. "I'm awake."

"Aye, that you are, now open your eyes like I asked you too, Major," Beckett instructed.

Sheppard debated keeping them closed just because. Just because they'd gated to a planet, and tried to help out the locals, only to have some freakish monster mistake them for pets. In the end, he gave in, and opened his eyes, growling at the bright light that welcomed his compliance.

"Don't growl at me, lad, I didn't bust you up," Beckett remonstrated.

"I didn't growl," Sheppard said, defensively, and grumpily.

"You did too!" McKay crowed. "Maybe the Major is going to turn into our own Whomping Whumping monster."

Sheppard glared at Rodney, stretched out in a bed to John's right, and bandaged all over. "Shut up, or I will, and you'll be my first victim."

McKay swallowed, looking at Beckett and Ford. "You wouldn't."

"Try me," Sheppard said, shifting lower into his mattress, and closing his eyes.

The End.


End file.
